Slowly feeling better

It has been a little while since I have posted.  My life have been busy with going to a group therapy session Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Wednesday afternoon I go to a private counselor session as well. Tomorrow I start some physical therapy to help with joint pain from my rheumatoid arthritis.  Luckily it has not been too bad lately. 


It is surprising to me when I go to my group sessions that the people there come from all age groups (19 and up, I think the oldest I have seen is about 75).  Men, women, and from all races and backgrounds.  Most of them if you met them on the street you would not know they had an addiction and also were suffering from Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, etc...Everyone there is at a different stage of recovery. 


I still have severe anxiety right now.  I have a lot of difficulty just leaving my home.  I don't do well in large groups of people.  I have very little ability to enjoy any things that I would have previously done such as reading, watching movies, etc... I watch TV but it is never anything serious or requiring a lot of thought.  I do enjoy cooking while I am at home.  I cry very easily and I have a lot of stomach problems right now.  The doctors and therapists tell me that this is normal at this stage of recovery.  I do not have physical cravings for any of the things I was addicted to which is nice, but I often miss the mind numbing that those things gave me and the ability to sleep.  There is also something called Post Acute withdrawal symptoms that they say I could be  "enjoying" for anywhere from 12 to 18 months after I stopped.  A big symptom I am already having is very poor short term memory.  I forget some of the simplest things.  My long term memory is fine.  Also, I have less coordination and sometimes have shaking in my hands as well as feelings of panic at times. Sleep is also affected.  There are nights when I get absolutely NO sleep.  Usually I get 4 hours of sleep at the most. I am unable to work right now.  I have too many issues both mentally and physically to overcome.  I have a hard time just doing simple tasks like laundry or simple housework.  


I totally hope that if anyone reading this has ANY desire to try drugs or anything addicting that they STOP!!! The things I am going through are not worth the temporary calm those substances create. 


My children have been very good about all of this.  I have had others who have also given me their support (my sister, brother In law who gave me a blessing, my mother and so many friends who have written to me of their prayers and kind thoughts.  I am very thankful for these people in my life.  When something like this happens to you, you really find out who your friends really are and who you can lean of for support. 

Mother/Grandmother RANT!

OK!  I began my recovery in early September.  I really didn't get into it seriously until the last week or so.  Anyhow, Up until now I have tried my best to be a good mother/grandmother.


I go WAY out of my way to shop and prepare fairly decent meals for the people in my house.  I feel that is the LEAST I can do since I am not currently working and they need to eat. 


Well....I have really fooled myself BIG TIME!


Yes, Mothers are supposed to nurture and care for their family.  I understand that and had tried my best of the last few decades to do that. 


However! Enough is enough.  I had a particularly difficult day today with my therapy etc...  A lot of self discovery and anxiety.  I did however drag myself into the kitchen late in the afternoon to make a decent meal for those in my home.  I know the grandchildren need to eat and one son in particular begs me to make him chicken. 


I found a great deal on chicken at Aldi's (I LOVE that store).  I thawed the chicken so I could cook it for that son who really wanted it.


By 6PM I had a fairly decent meal going and soon it was done.  Chicken breasts, rice and veggies which is a typical meal here in the Green household.  I notified people that it was done.  I ate about a half a cup of rice and went into my room to watch TV.  I FINALLY fell asleep which is something rare for me.  I manage to get about 4 hours of sleep in each 24 hour period because of depression, anxiety, nightmares, drug withdrawal, etc.... I refuse to take anything to help me sleep.  I do NOT want to add any drugs to my body since I am trying so hard to get rid of them.  Anyhow, I am woken up at one point by husband looking for something.... OK....I do manage to fall back to sleep.  I work up after midnight and go into the kitchen to get water. 


I find ALL the food, pots, pans, and dirty dishes still laying all around the kitchen. 


WHAT the H!@@$?


I had to put the uneaten chicken away (hope it doesn't have bacteria from laying out so long) and all the rest of the leftovers away.  I cleaned up all the dishes on the table from the grandchildren and all the other misc. dirty dishes pots and pans away and started the dishwasher.  BOY WAS I PRETTY ANGRY!


Do I have the right to be angry?  Not sure! I know I have caused some bad issues in the home.  Maybe this is part of my penance?  Maybe I am supposed to be the house slave now?  I don't know what to think about it!


Anyhow, I think that for now I will not be doing any cooking, shopping, cleaning or anything for those ungrateful family members of mine.  Nobody ever says "Thanks mom, that was really tasty meal" or really anything anywhere near that.  I never hear a nice word about a meal or anything I do around the house.  Nobody ever tells me if they liked a meal or anything I made.


Am I correct in my thoughts?  Maybe I am just angry and tomorrow I will wake up and begin the same thing again. 


I think for now....I will just make or buy my own food and meals. 


Do I have the right to just focus on ME and my recovery?  Am I thinking correctly or am I just being selfish.   I just need to get well and I am tired of feeling like nobody appreciates me or anything I do or ever do.  I think in the back of my mind that they really do, but it would be nice to hear it occasionally.  It would be nice to walk into a clean kitchen after working so hard on a meal. 


Maybe I am just upset and irrational right now and will wake up tomorrow (if I am lucky and get back to sleep) and begin the same old routine again and be fine with it.


Oh well.  maybe I am just in a rant and will be fine tomorrow.  I just had this depression and the feeling that I am being punished or deserve to be punished.  I know lots of moms have some of the same issues.  I remember them from before I became addicted (back when I thought I was crazy but was really just normal). 

PAWS and my recovery!

Went to my therapy group today.  They are a very interesting group of people.  Ranging in age from about 18 to 60.  Many of them you would not expect to be fighting drug or alcohol addiction.  They seem so outwardly "normal".


I have learned a lot more about my recovery and what to expect.  NOW I am a little afraid.  There is a condition called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) That most if not ALL drug or alcohol addicts suffer.  It starts around 3 months into recovery and can last 1 to 2 years.  This is the period of time when the mind and the body are recovering and purging the substance.  These symptoms are:


* Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt


I am a little distressed as I already have many of these issues.  I can't imagine living with them for up to 2 years. 


I have been so humble by the responses of my going public with my condition.  I have been encouraged and very hopeful by all the sweet comments, advice. prayers etc.... by my coworkers, family and friends.  Some of those people I had not talked to in several years. 


I already do NOT sleep much. I the 48 hour period from Tuesday night and Wednesday night I got a total of 3 hours sleep.  I have bad dreams about issues in my past so of course I don't really want to go to sleep. 


I have gotten so much support publicly.  My children have been supportive as well.  I was so fearful that my children would feel shame and embarrassment.  I am so proud of the strong people my children have become.


I had a very close friend call me last night who I have not talked to much in the last few years.  She and her family moved away.  She was one of the very few close friends I have ever had.  It was so wonderful and uplifting to hear from her. 


The people in my therapy group were so happy that I was able to report that I had "come out" to my family and friends.  They were so happy about all the wonderful comments I got on and so encouraging. 


I do have a very serious issue with another person thought.  I can NOT talk to this person about anything without it being mostly an inquisition or lecture about money or bills etc...  I am mostly ignored all the rest of the time.  I am now feeling a lot of anger and resentment about this.   This is one person I should be able to rely on for support.  This person "says" they want to talk, but really I am ignored unless it is about financial stuff.  I am not tolerating this well.  I am sure it is my own fault.  I know I have done some serious stuff and created a huge mess in the life of my family.  The guilt is overwhelming. 


I have always resented self-righteous people. They know they are so smart and they are good.  Usually I avoid any contact with these types of people because I do NOT enjoy the arguments/disagreements that occur.  I am not a good debater even if what I feel is justified or right.  Therefore, I always come out of the situation feeling like I lost or was totally run over.  I am a person who has always avoided confrontation.  I usually end up crying or just sounding or feeling like a fool. 


So....I am not sure what to do.  There are certain people in life that you just have to have support from.  An example would be your mother or other family member, or a best friend.  When you find out that person is really just tolerating you or just getting by, it really hurts, frustrates and hinders recovery. 


I have always felt like I had so few close friends.  I was a social misfit as a child. As a child I had NO friends because I lived in isolation until I was about 6.  I had no idea how to make or be a friend.  I did have a few very wonderful friends from church as a teen.  Those are the people who inspired me and made my life good.  Once I graduated, married and moved away, I lost contact with those friends and once again, I was isolated and lonely. 


Anyhow, despite all my complaints, I have having a MUCH better day now that the weight of "hiding" is gone.  I have truly been blessed by some great friends and family.   


Finding about this PAWS thing is a little distressing though.  I fear I already have some of those issues.  I get very little sleep and have very little concentration.  My memories is not so good either.  I did this to myself though. 


I do have a lot of faith in the Lord and that is keeping me going for now.  My children, sister and friends have been great in their support.  I do have a lot to be thankful for.

My Reality and my Confession to those I love!

My struggle with myself!

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

I have spent the last few years struggling with several issues.  First, I have spent the last half of my life (at least) fighting depression and anxiety.  Several years ago (around 2009) I was actually hospitalized because of suicidal thoughts.  I was treated with therapy and medications and was able to at least keep it fairly under control.  Why was I so depressed? I am not totally sure, but heredity has a big part in this.  Also I grew up in a dysfunctional family (thought I suspect many people have done that). I had a very troubled childhood.  There was a lot of abuse and I had very few friends.   I love my parents and siblings, but we had a strange relationship at best.  My mother was an extremely angry, depressed person. I believe she had an abusive childhood.  Her father was an extremely angry person at times and I remember many instances of physical and emotional abuse from both of them.  I understand the struggles and I feel their mental health issues were passed on to me.  I was not a violent person, but I isolated myself as a child to avoid the abuse. I had and still have no self-esteem and was to shy.   My mother is very overweight and passed that issue on to her children.  I do NOT blame her thought.  I believe she and my father did the very best that they could for us. I struggled with being overweight for over 20 years.  My mother actually gave me diet pills when I was in grade school. She “dabbled” in all kinds of herbs and diet programs with no success.  She handed those things on to me.  There are a lot of herbs that make you feel many if the same side effects as narcotics do. I was a budding addict as early as 10 years old.  Using diet pills, energy drinks, binge eating and literally starving myself for days and weeks.  I have probably done every diet known and abused diet pills not only to not eat but to feel energetic and less anxiety. I was actually not that overweight as a child and teen, but I FELT like I was so ugly and fat.  I blamed the weight for all my emotional and social problems. I had NO real friends in school and a very small number of friends at church.  I finally decided that I could not live like that any longer and in 2004 I had gastric bypass.  It felt like a miracle. I lost 130 pounds.  I thought my troubles were over.  BOY! Was I mistaken?  I went from being addicted to binge eating and taking diet pills, to having no outlet for my stress and depression. I am very glad to have lost the weight but I didn’t deal with the issues that made me overweight to begin with.  Again, I love my parents and brothers and sister. I blame none of them for the childhood issues that I struggled with. 

Having no outlet for stress and not knowing what to do with my anxiety was tough.  By 2012 I was in really bad shape.  I kept the weight off but I had no tools to combat the depression and anxiety and inability to socialize.

Two years ago, I became very ill with kidney problems. I was hospitalized, received antibiotics and had surgery requiring a urinary stent and a nephrostomy tube etc.  The pain was unbearable.  I was relying on vicodin to help with the pain.  I noticed that the vicodin helped me to sleep and made the anxiety I had been feeling so much easier.  I have severe problems fall and stay asleep.  May nights I literally do not sleep at all. Over a few weeks, I was taking the vicodin and having to slowly increase the amount I was taking to get the same results.  This was the beginning of my current struggles.

Over time, I realized that I couldn’t use vicodin to ease my pain, social issues, depression and anxiety. Than I had the “brilliant” idea to try IM opiates instead (giving myself a shot).  It felt so relaxing and I could sleep and there was far less anxiety. I was hiding the fact that I was doing something dangerous just to get through the day.   No pain and I felt exhilarated and had a lot less anxiety.  I rationalized that I was only taking them occasionally and that I didn’t feel like I had a “physical addiction”.  I think I used the drugs a few times a week to help me go to sleep and help with my aches and pains from my arthritis. There were many times that I could go several days without taking anything.  I would only take it at night so I rationalized that this was OK and harmless.

I feel such shame and guilt for hiding it so long.  I felt guilty going to church (and I still do).  I was such a hypocrite.  I was lying at home at work and lying to myself.  I was forced to leave my job because of this problem.  I LOVE nursing and I am so embarrassed about this.  I have a difficult time leaving my home because of the anxiety of having people know how horrible I have been.  I have discovered that more than 15% of healthcare professionals suffer from drug and or alcohol addiction and they think that statistic is low because of so many unreported cases

 http://dhhs.ne.gov/publichealth/Documents/Chemical%20Dependency%20Book.pdf

I knew in my mind how bad my problem was but at the same time I rationalized my addiction and tried multiple times to just “stop”.  Before a year and a half ago, I never would have thought I would have this problem. 

So….now I am in therapy and my true struggle has begun.  I have ruined my career, lied to the people I love most, caused considerable legal and financial problems, caused serious health problems and most of all I have been a disappointment to myself, my husband, my children and to the Lord.  I know he will forgive, but I am struggling with letting it go.  I feel unworthy of the Lords love and I feel unworthy to go to church or anywhere there are people who I know.  I struggle to just leave my bedroom because of anxiety and panic feelings. 

 My husband knows.  I have also told my oldest son and my sister.  I have been so surprised and feel humble for the open support and acceptance of those who know about this.  I have such a sweet son and my sister has also been so openly supportive.  Now, I feel it is necessary to be open to all my family and those who care about me.  I can NOT battle this disease alone. I have to be honest and open.  I have to focus on ME now and work on this every minute of every day.  I have been told in my therapy sessions that recovery is a lifetime struggle and that I will suffer from multiple physical and emotional problems for a long time. 

I hate having to disappoint all the people in my life.  I can’t repair all of the damage I have done both financially and physically. I can only hope that my family and those who care about me will be patient and supportive in the weeks and months ahead.  I know that I am not alone in this.  I just have a really tough time accepting help.  I feel guilty about being so weak and dependant on those I love.

I hope to be able to find strength from sharing my struggle.  I have been so surprised at how many “normal” people have this disease. I intend to continue to post my thoughts and even pass on articles and other things that I find helpful.  Hopefully, my children will not be embarrassed by my posts.  I appreciate my families support.  I appreciate those who have taken the time to read this. I feel a large weight lifting by being honest and not hiding my issues anymore.

I appreciate my wonderful daughter Rebecca for finding me this blog.  I didn’t tell her why I wanted it because I wasn’t sure if I could find the words to express myself. I have such sweet children and hope they can try to understand my struggle and know how important they are to me.

 

The following was given to me in group therapy and it perfectly describes my disease issues.

  Published: Jun 2010

A Letter From Your Disease

Hello fellow addicts I am your disease,
I will never let you sleep or put your mind at ease,

I will always be here no matter where you go,
I am smarter than you and I am in control,

Family, friends, and loved ones they won't matter anymore,
I'll take everything you got and still want something more

I was there for you in the good times but mostly in the bad,
I've made you feel so happy but in the end you was always sad

You will lie to everyone and say that I ain't real,
but if that's the case why can't you put down that pill

I come in many forms, and shapes, and size
Then following comes denial, deceit, and lies

I will turn you from everyone that tries to take you from me
Together we will spend all eternity

I'll embrace you in my arms and I'll never set you free,
Spend our life together won't that make you happy,

Don't let those people tell you what I am all about,
Cause then you'll find a way; a way to kick me out

Well here I go now I'll just be on my way
but not for to much longer cause I still have much to say

So when you think I'm gone and you can finally be at ease,
Just remember this I will always be your disease.

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-letter-from-your-disease#ixzz3EwcyMNnU
Family Friend Poems