OK! I began my recovery in early September. I really didn't get into it seriously until the last week or so. Anyhow, Up until now I have tried my best to be a good mother/grandmother.
I go WAY out of my way to shop and prepare fairly decent meals for the people in my house. I feel that is the LEAST I can do since I am not currently working and they need to eat.
Well....I have really fooled myself BIG TIME!
Yes, Mothers are supposed to nurture and care for their family. I understand that and had tried my best of the last few decades to do that.
However! Enough is enough. I had a particularly difficult day today with my therapy etc... A lot of self discovery and anxiety. I did however drag myself into the kitchen late in the afternoon to make a decent meal for those in my home. I know the grandchildren need to eat and one son in particular begs me to make him chicken.
I found a great deal on chicken at Aldi's (I LOVE that store). I thawed the chicken so I could cook it for that son who really wanted it.
By 6PM I had a fairly decent meal going and soon it was done. Chicken breasts, rice and veggies which is a typical meal here in the Green household. I notified people that it was done. I ate about a half a cup of rice and went into my room to watch TV. I FINALLY fell asleep which is something rare for me. I manage to get about 4 hours of sleep in each 24 hour period because of depression, anxiety, nightmares, drug withdrawal, etc.... I refuse to take anything to help me sleep. I do NOT want to add any drugs to my body since I am trying so hard to get rid of them. Anyhow, I am woken up at one point by husband looking for something.... OK....I do manage to fall back to sleep. I work up after midnight and go into the kitchen to get water.
I find ALL the food, pots, pans, and dirty dishes still laying all around the kitchen.
WHAT the H!@@$?
I had to put the uneaten chicken away (hope it doesn't have bacteria from laying out so long) and all the rest of the leftovers away. I cleaned up all the dishes on the table from the grandchildren and all the other misc. dirty dishes pots and pans away and started the dishwasher. BOY WAS I PRETTY ANGRY!
Do I have the right to be angry? Not sure! I know I have caused some bad issues in the home. Maybe this is part of my penance? Maybe I am supposed to be the house slave now? I don't know what to think about it!
Anyhow, I think that for now I will not be doing any cooking, shopping, cleaning or anything for those ungrateful family members of mine. Nobody ever says "Thanks mom, that was really tasty meal" or really anything anywhere near that. I never hear a nice word about a meal or anything I do around the house. Nobody ever tells me if they liked a meal or anything I made.
Am I correct in my thoughts? Maybe I am just angry and tomorrow I will wake up and begin the same thing again.
I think for now....I will just make or buy my own food and meals.
Do I have the right to just focus on ME and my recovery? Am I thinking correctly or am I just being selfish. I just need to get well and I am tired of feeling like nobody appreciates me or anything I do or ever do. I think in the back of my mind that they really do, but it would be nice to hear it occasionally. It would be nice to walk into a clean kitchen after working so hard on a meal.
Maybe I am just upset and irrational right now and will wake up tomorrow (if I am lucky and get back to sleep) and begin the same old routine again and be fine with it.
Oh well. maybe I am just in a rant and will be fine tomorrow. I just had this depression and the feeling that I am being punished or deserve to be punished. I know lots of moms have some of the same issues. I remember them from before I became addicted (back when I thought I was crazy but was really just normal).
No comments:
Post a Comment