Wednesday, October 1, 2014

My Reality and my Confession to those I love!


My struggle with myself!

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

I have spent the last few years struggling with several issues.  First, I have spent the last half of my life (at least) fighting depression and anxiety.  Several years ago (around 2009) I was actually hospitalized because of suicidal thoughts.  I was treated with therapy and medications and was able to at least keep it fairly under control.  Why was I so depressed? I am not totally sure, but heredity has a big part in this.  Also I grew up in a dysfunctional family (thought I suspect many people have done that). I had a very troubled childhood.  There was a lot of abuse and I had very few friends.   I love my parents and siblings, but we had a strange relationship at best.  My mother was an extremely angry, depressed person. I believe she had an abusive childhood.  Her father was an extremely angry person at times and I remember many instances of physical and emotional abuse from both of them.  I understand the struggles and I feel their mental health issues were passed on to me.  I was not a violent person, but I isolated myself as a child to avoid the abuse. I had and still have no self-esteem and was to shy.   My mother is very overweight and passed that issue on to her children.  I do NOT blame her thought.  I believe she and my father did the very best that they could for us. I struggled with being overweight for over 20 years.  My mother actually gave me diet pills when I was in grade school. She “dabbled” in all kinds of herbs and diet programs with no success.  She handed those things on to me.  There are a lot of herbs that make you feel many if the same side effects as narcotics do. I was a budding addict as early as 10 years old.  Using diet pills, energy drinks, binge eating and literally starving myself for days and weeks.  I have probably done every diet known and abused diet pills not only to not eat but to feel energetic and less anxiety. I was actually not that overweight as a child and teen, but I FELT like I was so ugly and fat.  I blamed the weight for all my emotional and social problems. I had NO real friends in school and a very small number of friends at church.  I finally decided that I could not live like that any longer and in 2004 I had gastric bypass.  It felt like a miracle. I lost 130 pounds.  I thought my troubles were over.  BOY! Was I mistaken?  I went from being addicted to binge eating and taking diet pills, to having no outlet for my stress and depression. I am very glad to have lost the weight but I didn’t deal with the issues that made me overweight to begin with.  Again, I love my parents and brothers and sister. I blame none of them for the childhood issues that I struggled with. 

Having no outlet for stress and not knowing what to do with my anxiety was tough.  By 2012 I was in really bad shape.  I kept the weight off but I had no tools to combat the depression and anxiety and inability to socialize.

Two years ago, I became very ill with kidney problems. I was hospitalized, received antibiotics and had surgery requiring a urinary stent and a nephrostomy tube etc.  The pain was unbearable.  I was relying on vicodin to help with the pain.  I noticed that the vicodin helped me to sleep and made the anxiety I had been feeling so much easier.  I have severe problems fall and stay asleep.  May nights I literally do not sleep at all. Over a few weeks, I was taking the vicodin and having to slowly increase the amount I was taking to get the same results.  This was the beginning of my current struggles.

Over time, I realized that I couldn’t use vicodin to ease my pain, social issues, depression and anxiety. Than I had the “brilliant” idea to try IM opiates instead (giving myself a shot).  It felt so relaxing and I could sleep and there was far less anxiety. I was hiding the fact that I was doing something dangerous just to get through the day.   No pain and I felt exhilarated and had a lot less anxiety.  I rationalized that I was only taking them occasionally and that I didn’t feel like I had a “physical addiction”.  I think I used the drugs a few times a week to help me go to sleep and help with my aches and pains from my arthritis. There were many times that I could go several days without taking anything.  I would only take it at night so I rationalized that this was OK and harmless.

I feel such shame and guilt for hiding it so long.  I felt guilty going to church (and I still do).  I was such a hypocrite.  I was lying at home at work and lying to myself.  I was forced to leave my job because of this problem.  I LOVE nursing and I am so embarrassed about this.  I have a difficult time leaving my home because of the anxiety of having people know how horrible I have been.  I have discovered that more than 15% of healthcare professionals suffer from drug and or alcohol addiction and they think that statistic is low because of so many unreported cases


I knew in my mind how bad my problem was but at the same time I rationalized my addiction and tried multiple times to just “stop”.  Before a year and a half ago, I never would have thought I would have this problem. 

So….now I am in therapy and my true struggle has begun.  I have ruined my career, lied to the people I love most, caused considerable legal and financial problems, caused serious health problems and most of all I have been a disappointment to myself, my husband, my children and to the Lord.  I know he will forgive, but I am struggling with letting it go.  I feel unworthy of the Lords love and I feel unworthy to go to church or anywhere there are people who I know.  I struggle to just leave my bedroom because of anxiety and panic feelings. 

 My husband knows.  I have also told my oldest son and my sister.  I have been so surprised and feel humble for the open support and acceptance of those who know about this.  I have such a sweet son and my sister has also been so openly supportive.  Now, I feel it is necessary to be open to all my family and those who care about me.  I can NOT battle this disease alone. I have to be honest and open.  I have to focus on ME now and work on this every minute of every day.  I have been told in my therapy sessions that recovery is a lifetime struggle and that I will suffer from multiple physical and emotional problems for a long time. 

I hate having to disappoint all the people in my life.  I can’t repair all of the damage I have done both financially and physically. I can only hope that my family and those who care about me will be patient and supportive in the weeks and months ahead.  I know that I am not alone in this.  I just have a really tough time accepting help.  I feel guilty about being so weak and dependant on those I love.

I hope to be able to find strength from sharing my struggle.  I have been so surprised at how many “normal” people have this disease. I intend to continue to post my thoughts and even pass on articles and other things that I find helpful.  Hopefully, my children will not be embarrassed by my posts.  I appreciate my families support.  I appreciate those who have taken the time to read this. I feel a large weight lifting by being honest and not hiding my issues anymore.

I appreciate my wonderful daughter Rebecca for finding me this blog.  I didn’t tell her why I wanted it because I wasn’t sure if I could find the words to express myself. I have such sweet children and hope they can try to understand my struggle and know how important they are to me.


 

The following was given to me in group therapy and it perfectly describes my disease issues.

  Published: Jun 2010

A Letter From Your Disease


Hello fellow addicts I am your disease,
I will never let you sleep or put your mind at ease,

I will always be here no matter where you go,
I am smarter than you and I am in control,

Family, friends, and loved ones they won't matter anymore,
I'll take everything you got and still want something more

I was there for you in the good times but mostly in the bad,
I've made you feel so happy but in the end you was always sad

You will lie to everyone and say that I ain't real,
but if that's the case why can't you put down that pill

I come in many forms, and shapes, and size
Then following comes denial, deceit, and lies

I will turn you from everyone that tries to take you from me
Together we will spend all eternity

I'll embrace you in my arms and I'll never set you free,
Spend our life together won't that make you happy,

Don't let those people tell you what I am all about,
Cause then you'll find a way; a way to kick me out

Well here I go now I'll just be on my way
but not for to much longer cause I still have much to say

So when you think I'm gone and you can finally be at ease,
Just remember this I will always be your disease.

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