PAWS and my recovery!

Went to my therapy group today.  They are a very interesting group of people.  Ranging in age from about 18 to 60.  Many of them you would not expect to be fighting drug or alcohol addiction.  They seem so outwardly "normal".


I have learned a lot more about my recovery and what to expect.  NOW I am a little afraid.  There is a condition called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) That most if not ALL drug or alcohol addicts suffer.  It starts around 3 months into recovery and can last 1 to 2 years.  This is the period of time when the mind and the body are recovering and purging the substance.  These symptoms are:


* Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt


I am a little distressed as I already have many of these issues.  I can't imagine living with them for up to 2 years. 


I have been so humble by the responses of my going public with my condition.  I have been encouraged and very hopeful by all the sweet comments, advice. prayers etc.... by my coworkers, family and friends.  Some of those people I had not talked to in several years. 


I already do NOT sleep much. I the 48 hour period from Tuesday night and Wednesday night I got a total of 3 hours sleep.  I have bad dreams about issues in my past so of course I don't really want to go to sleep. 


I have gotten so much support publicly.  My children have been supportive as well.  I was so fearful that my children would feel shame and embarrassment.  I am so proud of the strong people my children have become.


I had a very close friend call me last night who I have not talked to much in the last few years.  She and her family moved away.  She was one of the very few close friends I have ever had.  It was so wonderful and uplifting to hear from her. 


The people in my therapy group were so happy that I was able to report that I had "come out" to my family and friends.  They were so happy about all the wonderful comments I got on and so encouraging. 


I do have a very serious issue with another person thought.  I can NOT talk to this person about anything without it being mostly an inquisition or lecture about money or bills etc...  I am mostly ignored all the rest of the time.  I am now feeling a lot of anger and resentment about this.   This is one person I should be able to rely on for support.  This person "says" they want to talk, but really I am ignored unless it is about financial stuff.  I am not tolerating this well.  I am sure it is my own fault.  I know I have done some serious stuff and created a huge mess in the life of my family.  The guilt is overwhelming. 


I have always resented self-righteous people. They know they are so smart and they are good.  Usually I avoid any contact with these types of people because I do NOT enjoy the arguments/disagreements that occur.  I am not a good debater even if what I feel is justified or right.  Therefore, I always come out of the situation feeling like I lost or was totally run over.  I am a person who has always avoided confrontation.  I usually end up crying or just sounding or feeling like a fool. 


So....I am not sure what to do.  There are certain people in life that you just have to have support from.  An example would be your mother or other family member, or a best friend.  When you find out that person is really just tolerating you or just getting by, it really hurts, frustrates and hinders recovery. 


I have always felt like I had so few close friends.  I was a social misfit as a child. As a child I had NO friends because I lived in isolation until I was about 6.  I had no idea how to make or be a friend.  I did have a few very wonderful friends from church as a teen.  Those are the people who inspired me and made my life good.  Once I graduated, married and moved away, I lost contact with those friends and once again, I was isolated and lonely. 


Anyhow, despite all my complaints, I have having a MUCH better day now that the weight of "hiding" is gone.  I have truly been blessed by some great friends and family.   


Finding about this PAWS thing is a little distressing though.  I fear I already have some of those issues.  I get very little sleep and have very little concentration.  My memories is not so good either.  I did this to myself though. 


I do have a lot of faith in the Lord and that is keeping me going for now.  My children, sister and friends have been great in their support.  I do have a lot to be thankful for.